Pitty Party

I am so wore out, I am so tired of being tired. When I greet a person I always say "hello how are you" and they will say the same to me...my response "fine thank you"..I am a liar, or I want to believe I am fine...BUT I AM NOT!!

I work so hard to make my days positive, but they are not. I work so hard to believe that today will be a good day, but its not. As I attempt to clean my house, holding my breath to get through it with no complaint, but inside me I am miserable. I cant type anything without it taking forever, I have to proof read correcting multiple mistakes before posting or sending emails. I dont remember what I did on Monday except for gong to the airport.

I have so had enough, 9 months, 10 doctors, $35,000 and still no answers just alot of test and guessing. Being on a walker 5 days out of 8, multiple pills per day wondering when will all of this end. How could I have been such a healthy person, physical,forever going and doing something, to being able to do nothing.

I dont like to sit around and talk to people about this, I dont want people to feel pitty for me, I dont need someone that got their Medical license from the Walmart making a diagnosis...I appreciate all recommndations, Bless their heart for their thoughts.

Today is my day just to frown, whine about my feelings, be completely frustrated by what this is doing to my family, my dads sad face with concern, my mom at every doctors visit attempting to understand, my children making me feel so loved and my little grandchildren having no clue but thinking walking with me with my walked is a game (Jilli says Emma is going to become a doctor so she can take care of me)..my heart aches for the man I love, that for him (dont talk about, dont look at it and it will go away). I miss him in my life, I wont get personal, I just feel my marriage is in much stress because of the DAMN ILLNESS!

I accept it because I know it is all a part of God's plan. I refuse to question why this has been chosen for me...it just has.

I am Thankful for my family..I am sorry this is just out there..but today I am sad and hurting, physically and emotionally. Bring the balloons to my Pitty Party and celebrate, this too shall pass.