Gamma's Miss Jillian

I have been sitting here all evening editing and playing around with my sight, knowing I needed to write a new blog, nothing else could even come close to the thought of my little granddaughter Jillian Grace...this little person makes an impact on people like no other...she is just that wonderfully memorable! My granddaughter Jillian..my little Jilli is one of the funniest people you could ever imagine meeting. Her dances, her faces, her giggles, her jokes, her out and out silliness. It is so difficult to get on to her, she will make a smirk and it is so hard to keep from laughing..(oh how that will be regretted someday)..but today, how can we not help but laugh at this precious little girl. Such a mixture of her mommy and daddy..a vision only they could imagine. She came into this world on her due date (predictable?) and only 15 hours after her daddy arrived from Iraq for his R&R,,what timing. With the darkest of hair and the bluest of eyes, truthfully a beautiful baby, ready to give love and be loved. This has never changed, her hair is a little lighter and of course not a baby any longer, but a beautiful 3 year old little girl. Effectionate, smart, loving, needy, giving and of course spoilt....but that is ok :)

For me, Jillian was my first granddaughter and I could not have been more thrilled to have this little girl that would remind me of her mother (my daughter) as a little girl. I loved spending all the time with her that I could, holding her, playing, laughing, teaching her to crawl and her being like gamma and wearing reading glasses. I traveled to Colorado as much as I could to spend time with her, missing her so much during our times apart. Last year when she was going to be a big sister, I was so concerned for myself being able to love another as I love her. How was she going to react to this new little being in her life, having to share her mommy and daddy? Well as always Jillian comes through like a charm...loving her sister so much, not sure if she wanted to share her. Paige and I had taken Jilli & Emma to a friends to have photos taken, well the friends little girl (one of Jilli's best friends) got a little too close to Emma and Jilli went into the protection mode...we thought for a moment she may knock her good buddy out just to keep her sister safe.

Today I am so thankful Jilli, Emma and their mommy lives here while their daddy serves our country while being on his third tour to Izrack as Jilli calls it. She says Uncle Boma instead of Obama, she will tell you that "Uncle Boma" is daddy's boss. I ask her if she can get out of her car seat by her self..she says "I think not"....She loves music, painting, coloring, being read to and attempting to read herself. Jilli loves to shop and get new clothes and play shopping with her Aunti Gabi.

Jillian was gone this last weekend, when she came home she came running in yelling gamma, gamma..ran into my legs and gave me the greatest hug and told me how much she missed me. She also told me she had cried for me over the weekend saying "I need my gamma"....I know for sure this is what makes being a gamma the greatest.

This same weekend our family pet had passed away, I explained to Jilli that MoMo had to go live with Jesus because she was so sick..with the saddest little sweet face, she said "are you sad?" and I told her, indeed I was..her eyes welled up with tears, she hugged me so tight crying..my tears fell along with hers. We talked of how MoMo was in Heaven with black and white wings, she included into this "and with pink hearts".....her heart is so big for everyone and everything she loves.

Her mommy and daddy were coming back on a "Pearplane" on Saturday, she asked if she could stay up till they got home, I said sure, if you can stay awake that long....later she was found on the living room floor sound asleep looking like a princess...needless to say she was not up when they arrived home...but the attempt was great.

Jilli is entertaining while playing guitar hero, with her secretly "NOT" plugged in guitar. Saturday night movie night with Aunti Gabi eating a whole bag of pop corn in her big green bowl and a cup of Dr.Pepper, she usually is found sound asleep beside her bowl holding her cup.."Adorable"

I love this little girl so so much, I appreciate every minute I have with her and will do all I can to bring happiness and fulfillment into her life. Our family and friends see life through her eyes and for that we see things we would never have. I am so thankful for this little granddaughter of mine

I am so Thanful to be Jillian Grace's gamma......I love you Jilli Willi :)

Children sometimes Change

This morning I was passed on a survey regarding your first born, the thoughts that start going through your head are enormous.....When I was asked to put the age the child is today..I wrote almost 27...wow, 27..I am only 45, these kids need to quit getting older because they are taking me with them :) .

Truthfully, I thought what had he done with his life thus far..

So many years have passed it is hard to think back and remember all that we would like to and can't forget the things we wish we could. An adorable baby boy, sweet, perfect and was not that baby that caused sleep deprivation. As he became older, the funniest little sole, huggy touchy feely, it was always guaranteed the many hugs, kisses and the love yous that would be received daily... cowboy boots, shorts with an umbrella was his daily attire. With his sister in tow, swimming, running, putting on plays, singing and just completely full of life. Bear was and still is very talented, very artistic and an imagination that is unstoppable. School was a stumbling block, dyslexia, learning disability, failing and having to redo 5th grade, getting in trouble for showing out and just trying to fit in. Junior High and High School was the start of his struggles, skipping school, dropping out and hanging out with the wrong people...he was and still is very influenced by the wrong group....he became the wrong group, but the one thing he never quit being was the huggy touchy feely son that I adored so much. He was a child I wanted nothing more than protect and love, guide him, teach him and show him the great things that are here for him. He promised, he swore, he guaranteed he had never and would not ever get involved with drinking, drugs and all other stuff that goes with that. I believed, I trusted, I truly believe my precious son would NEVER lie to me. I was blinded by my deep love for him..he was completely lying and yet I continued to defend him for years though he was steeling right before my eyes, screaming at me, being hateful to the family and making out lives more miserable than I could have ever imagined he would or could. He was slowly ripping my heart piece by piece, me still believing in him wanting nothing more than to trust what he was telling me.."Mom I am not doing any of those things".

Three years after this boy that I adored, 3 years after all the heart ache, 3 years after begging him and being so lost as to why he wanted this in his life, 3 years after spending nights looking for him, 3 years after spending months wondering if he was dead or alive, 3 years of crying, being stressed daily and being lost by my own thoughts said I cannot do this anymore. I realized I could not control him, he was now grown. I knew I could not continue to feel the pain I had from the loss of the little boy that wanted to be a cowboy and entertain people. Who or what had stolen my son..how could I get him back....Jesus Christ..I finally had realized I could not change him but I also knew I could not continue to be in such heart ache..I could not do this alone anymore.

I was in my car driving and just starting praying out loud, crying, begging God to take this from me..I would give it to Him fully and completely...in an instant my pain was gone, the loss of my little boy was gone, I wasn't worried if he was ok..I was so at Peace, God had taken this from me just as He had promised..never giving us more than we can handle. There was no doubt I still loved my son, but I knew God had put it in the bottom of my heart, to keep me from feeling the heartache. I was in aw, I was at peace, I could finally breath with ease knowing that God was in control..He would watch over my son, I knew he would take care of him.

Now nine year later since this all began, two relationships, 4 children..jobs consist of fast food, works sometimes, doesn't most times. He is a wonderful father, still that huggy touchy feeling personality that has always been there. He is an addict, he always will be...but how can he get off them for months and even more than a year and then go back. How can he take the chance of loosing his children, why does it not matter that he could loose everything? God is still protecting me from the emotions that this child can bring into my life..I am so Thankful. I have worked so hard to plant the seed in this boy, I have done everything I can think of to make his life easier so that he can work harder to get it together.

Recently after a year and half of being big, healthy, kind, working and moving forward, the ground as fallen out from under him again..

WHY? My frustration is high, I am extremely angry

that once again he has chosen this for his life..he is responsible for his actions, he is a grown man, a father to children that adore him. In the past I move on knowing that God is still in control, God will take care of him and comfort me. As time goes by Bear will get it together and then I will hear from him..it could be months later, or even years later..I love him, I believe his change. I just don't know how to do it again.

I know God is still in control and I know I don't have to re ask for Him to take it for me, He knows what I need. Am I wrong to feel and say this is the last time, I have to wash my hands of him, I don't want to ever let him back in my life. These are the things I want..am I wrong as a parent, that you should stand beside your child no matter what and be there for them when ever they want?

I don't want to be here anymore for him..I have 3 other children that need me, it tares them apart when this happens. Is it fair for me to allow what he does to them for my own gratification?

Today my hope is for my family to grow stronger and to except the things we cannot change. My son has given me many gifts, I am so much wiser, I question things like never before, I am slow to trust, I read between the lines, lock my house and car doors and always put everything up and watch every move he makes while in my home....for me, this all sucks!

I love my son, I am thankful Our Heavenly Father has protected us both

I hope the very best for my son and his family

I hope someday(before it is too late) he will allow God to control his addictions

I hope my little grandchildren continue to see their dad for his humor & heart

I hope someday my son can be a productive member of our family with God in his heart

What does my son believe he has done with his life

In Amazement

Paige and I spent time shopping last week, an enjoyment we don't do that much anymore. We had gone to Old Navy, tons of things of clearence (woohoo) , so many cute clothes for little girls. The sales were so good I was buying things for next Christmas gifts, (weird, I don't live that far in the future).

Leaving the store with a couple of crammed bags, filled with excitement of all the money we had saved....even though the lady in the womens department was griping and pretty much making sure we knew that the store was closing in 10 minutes.

A few days later items had been tried on, determination of what would need to be returned for reasons of wrong sizes and you know your kid doesn't like it when they say (yeah I like it with their nose curled up).

At 7:30 last night Paige and I decided to drive into Rockwall, there were a few things we needed to grab. I had taken the bag of unwanteds to return to Old Navy. We got in our line..in surprise any more, the cashier was the nicest lady young lady. I explained I wanted to return the items..no problem, the funds were put back on the bank card and we were ready to head out. Then the cashier said, would you like to buy the stuff back...We we like "HUH", she said that this was the last day to take an additional 50% off clearence items..we were like "WOW"....I thanked her and said that we really didnt need the items. Paige commented that she wished that we had brought everything back and then could have rebought it....the cashier spoke up and said "I can run your receipt and reprice everything" we were like wow, cool!..At the end of the receipt repricing..$73.00 "What the heck!" I have never seen such a thing.....How impressed we were..we just kept saying "thank you, amazing, your the greatest, we really appreciate it"...all this 30 minutes before the store closed on the final day of the sale. The walk to the car is not even memorable because of our amazement.

We were so impressed with this young lady, she never had to tell us that, she never had to offer us that......her honesty, her kindness and her ability to put more money in our pockets was amazing............,

Though I am not a big fan of shopping and even a less fan of taking things back...usually I will just donate it or sale it at the next garage sale as to not have to go through the hassle of finding the receipt, explaining why we dont want it and just waiting through the lines is enough to make me never go back.

Paige and I have a little more money in out pockets this morning, are amazed by what we were given by an Old Navy cashier, wittnessing a young lady being all she can be as an employee......I wish all stores had such great employees..Thank you Jamie.