Changes :(

Changes...I have always believed that for the most, I accept them as they come. In the next days I will have more changes at one time...a test to remind me "That I can Accept".
Tomorrow, Gabi and Dan will leave for Minnesota. After a quick visit at a family reunion, Dan will head to Iowa to take part in a one week bike ride across Iowa. Him and several of our home town buddies do this each year. New on the agenda...he's leaving our baby in Minnesota for that week :( We have never left her..since she was born, one of us has always been with her. Gabi will be in Minnesota with Dan's family...they are great people and I know she is going to have a great great time, but she is will be 1000 miles from me and hundreds from her daddy. My anxiety level is pretty high..but we will get through it.
In 4 days, Shurie, my wonderful grown daughter will take her two little girls Jilli & Emma and move back to Colorado. Bittersweet :) :( Their hubby/daddy will be returning from Iraq after serving his 3rd tour..gone a year watching his little girls grow through a computer monitor. Their family being back together is the greatest and most important thing......Now my selfishness comes in...Ah these two little girls are the greatest things in the world. In the year they have been with us we have watched Emma go from just laying on the floor "silent" to running, laughing, singing, talking, climbing, throwing things, toting the cats, swimming and just loving everyone. What a personality! Emma sings "Rock-A-Bye, Rock-A-Bye..the cutest thing EVER! Her tempertantrums to kissy kissy.....Jilli, wow! Her personality ranges from one second laughing to the next, her cry will make you believe she was hit by a car. Jilli loves to read, write, spell, color, play games and runs around with so much energy you would swear we have batteries in her back. She has to kiss and hug EVERYONE goodbye..if not she will cry about it forever. Jilli's smile and laugh will draw anyone in, yet her cry can make you run. What will we do not having these little girls here everyday.....Watch them grow on the computer monitor. Most of all, watching my daughter leave this nest again :( Mind you, this is not the first time we have experienced this, but it never comes easier. I have loved having her home, doing things for her, hearing her call my name from the other room..each time remindng me so much of the little girl that use to do that so long ago...I will miss this so much...but I am going to visit them in Sept..YAH!
Within the next week, my oldest son Bear an his family will be moving..only 2 hours away, but I have loved having them just down the street. Three more grandchildren are amoungest this family..Cameron, Kaydence and Jessalynn... I dont spend each day with them, most times a couple of times a month. I will miss them no less, their curly hair and big blue eyes..laughing, seeing what they a can get into and just so dang entertaining.
I am so Thankful that my grown children can make the choices that it takes for them to move ahead in life, it just saddens me to not have them within yelling distance :)
I am very proud of all of my family and love them all so much...but PLEASE..no more changes :))

Pitty Party

I am so wore out, I am so tired of being tired. When I greet a person I always say "hello how are you" and they will say the same to me...my response "fine thank you"..I am a liar, or I want to believe I am fine...BUT I AM NOT!!

I work so hard to make my days positive, but they are not. I work so hard to believe that today will be a good day, but its not. As I attempt to clean my house, holding my breath to get through it with no complaint, but inside me I am miserable. I cant type anything without it taking forever, I have to proof read correcting multiple mistakes before posting or sending emails. I dont remember what I did on Monday except for gong to the airport.

I have so had enough, 9 months, 10 doctors, $35,000 and still no answers just alot of test and guessing. Being on a walker 5 days out of 8, multiple pills per day wondering when will all of this end. How could I have been such a healthy person, physical,forever going and doing something, to being able to do nothing.

I dont like to sit around and talk to people about this, I dont want people to feel pitty for me, I dont need someone that got their Medical license from the Walmart making a diagnosis...I appreciate all recommndations, Bless their heart for their thoughts.

Today is my day just to frown, whine about my feelings, be completely frustrated by what this is doing to my family, my dads sad face with concern, my mom at every doctors visit attempting to understand, my children making me feel so loved and my little grandchildren having no clue but thinking walking with me with my walked is a game (Jilli says Emma is going to become a doctor so she can take care of me)..my heart aches for the man I love, that for him (dont talk about, dont look at it and it will go away). I miss him in my life, I wont get personal, I just feel my marriage is in much stress because of the DAMN ILLNESS!

I accept it because I know it is all a part of God's plan. I refuse to question why this has been chosen for me...it just has.

I am Thankful for my family..I am sorry this is just out there..but today I am sad and hurting, physically and emotionally. Bring the balloons to my Pitty Party and celebrate, this too shall pass.

This is my newest little granddaughter..Jessalynn Christine Thompson

she has started smile an talking baby talk..she is so sweet

Short but Pointful

This is a promise to me and for others to understand
Though my child may be making bad decisions....I will NEVER turn my back on him
Though my child may say bad things...I will NEVER ignor him
Though my child may be running the streets...I will NEVER quit following him
Though my child may have hurt me....I will NEVER believe he really means to
Though my child may not pray for him to be healed..I will NEVER quit praying
When he calls me on the phone for help....I will ALWAYS help him
I will NEVER quit being his mom, I will NEVER give up on him
I will NEVER quit being "for" him. I will NEVER NEVER NEVER quit lovng him
I do BELIEVE in him. I do BELIEVE in God's healing
I do BELIEVE my son will be healed someday
I STANDUP for my son, just as I do for my other childen
BELIEVE me...I love them all..I will LOVE them FOREVER

I am Ticked off too!!

I got this from Denise..thanks...Ticked Off Tuesday "TOT" for short. I am always a day late and a dollar short...so of course it is Wednesday for me, but if nobody looked at the date they wouldnt know what day I wrote it. But for this week I will call it Wonder Way on Wednesday!
Why are there so few Handicap parking? I was so aggravated yesterday (Tuesday). I had to go down town Greenville to the tax office to redo my handicap parking sticker. For those of you know how downtown is, well need I say more..but anyways. the tax office is on the corner of Lee and Johnson..no where in sight of this place is there a handicap parking spot. All spots within a short walking distance was marked as 2-4 hour parking limit. I drove around twice with every hope in the world someone would leave. No luck..so I park in a designated handicap spot on the corner of Lee and Washington..a complete block away.
I park, climb down out of my handicapped can, get my walker out and prepare to listen to the dragging (right I know, need tennis balls) of this walker for the next block. I make my way, stopping at the stop light, waiting for it to tell me I could walk. We all know these lights give you no time, so really it means "RUN". I finally made my way in the tax office, Thank God there was no line...but I definatly got the either the dumbest person or the newest person..Yah me!
Once there I was told...well we need the window hangers, the tag off my windshield and my license plate number...SIRIOUSLY! This took her 25 minutes to tell me this. So here I go again, heading back to my van to get all the things they needed...hurry at the light, dragging walker, angry..attempting to be very patient and smile at other people as they walked past. I get to the van, I wrote the license plate number on a Walmart receipt (had nothing else)...trying to pull the sticker off the window...Sorry it was not as easy as the lady said it would be! Now headed back..drag, drag...now in serious pain..I get back to her counter...Lord have Mercy on her..slower than slow..asking me questions I either did not know or that she had already asked me..PLEASE!
Finally got my new tags for my van and the window..pulling away it had all taken an hour..this was crazy!
One nice thing that came out of, as crossing the road (one of the 4 times) a young man, 30ish walked next to me, stating he was walking beside me because people dont pay attention and I might get hit..I told him how much I apprecited it and Thanked him...that was so considerate. I was definately reminded that there are still good people in this world that care about others..Treat others as you would want to be treated.
I can never get a parking spoke at Walmart or Tamolies...for 500 parking spots they have 5 handicap..That is CRAZY!
I am Wondering Why there cant be more, Why aren't handicapped travelers considered?
The best for me..go shopping with the family and have them drop me off at the door..

Gamma's Miss Jillian

I have been sitting here all evening editing and playing around with my sight, knowing I needed to write a new blog, nothing else could even come close to the thought of my little granddaughter Jillian Grace...this little person makes an impact on people like no other...she is just that wonderfully memorable! My granddaughter Jillian..my little Jilli is one of the funniest people you could ever imagine meeting. Her dances, her faces, her giggles, her jokes, her out and out silliness. It is so difficult to get on to her, she will make a smirk and it is so hard to keep from laughing..(oh how that will be regretted someday)..but today, how can we not help but laugh at this precious little girl. Such a mixture of her mommy and daddy..a vision only they could imagine. She came into this world on her due date (predictable?) and only 15 hours after her daddy arrived from Iraq for his R&R,,what timing. With the darkest of hair and the bluest of eyes, truthfully a beautiful baby, ready to give love and be loved. This has never changed, her hair is a little lighter and of course not a baby any longer, but a beautiful 3 year old little girl. Effectionate, smart, loving, needy, giving and of course spoilt....but that is ok :)

For me, Jillian was my first granddaughter and I could not have been more thrilled to have this little girl that would remind me of her mother (my daughter) as a little girl. I loved spending all the time with her that I could, holding her, playing, laughing, teaching her to crawl and her being like gamma and wearing reading glasses. I traveled to Colorado as much as I could to spend time with her, missing her so much during our times apart. Last year when she was going to be a big sister, I was so concerned for myself being able to love another as I love her. How was she going to react to this new little being in her life, having to share her mommy and daddy? Well as always Jillian comes through like a charm...loving her sister so much, not sure if she wanted to share her. Paige and I had taken Jilli & Emma to a friends to have photos taken, well the friends little girl (one of Jilli's best friends) got a little too close to Emma and Jilli went into the protection mode...we thought for a moment she may knock her good buddy out just to keep her sister safe.

Today I am so thankful Jilli, Emma and their mommy lives here while their daddy serves our country while being on his third tour to Izrack as Jilli calls it. She says Uncle Boma instead of Obama, she will tell you that "Uncle Boma" is daddy's boss. I ask her if she can get out of her car seat by her self..she says "I think not"....She loves music, painting, coloring, being read to and attempting to read herself. Jilli loves to shop and get new clothes and play shopping with her Aunti Gabi.

Jillian was gone this last weekend, when she came home she came running in yelling gamma, gamma..ran into my legs and gave me the greatest hug and told me how much she missed me. She also told me she had cried for me over the weekend saying "I need my gamma"....I know for sure this is what makes being a gamma the greatest.

This same weekend our family pet had passed away, I explained to Jilli that MoMo had to go live with Jesus because she was so sick..with the saddest little sweet face, she said "are you sad?" and I told her, indeed I was..her eyes welled up with tears, she hugged me so tight crying..my tears fell along with hers. We talked of how MoMo was in Heaven with black and white wings, she included into this "and with pink hearts".....her heart is so big for everyone and everything she loves.

Her mommy and daddy were coming back on a "Pearplane" on Saturday, she asked if she could stay up till they got home, I said sure, if you can stay awake that long....later she was found on the living room floor sound asleep looking like a princess...needless to say she was not up when they arrived home...but the attempt was great.

Jilli is entertaining while playing guitar hero, with her secretly "NOT" plugged in guitar. Saturday night movie night with Aunti Gabi eating a whole bag of pop corn in her big green bowl and a cup of Dr.Pepper, she usually is found sound asleep beside her bowl holding her cup.."Adorable"

I love this little girl so so much, I appreciate every minute I have with her and will do all I can to bring happiness and fulfillment into her life. Our family and friends see life through her eyes and for that we see things we would never have. I am so thankful for this little granddaughter of mine

I am so Thanful to be Jillian Grace's gamma......I love you Jilli Willi :)

Children sometimes Change

This morning I was passed on a survey regarding your first born, the thoughts that start going through your head are enormous.....When I was asked to put the age the child is today..I wrote almost 27...wow, 27..I am only 45, these kids need to quit getting older because they are taking me with them :) .

Truthfully, I thought what had he done with his life thus far..

So many years have passed it is hard to think back and remember all that we would like to and can't forget the things we wish we could. An adorable baby boy, sweet, perfect and was not that baby that caused sleep deprivation. As he became older, the funniest little sole, huggy touchy feely, it was always guaranteed the many hugs, kisses and the love yous that would be received daily... cowboy boots, shorts with an umbrella was his daily attire. With his sister in tow, swimming, running, putting on plays, singing and just completely full of life. Bear was and still is very talented, very artistic and an imagination that is unstoppable. School was a stumbling block, dyslexia, learning disability, failing and having to redo 5th grade, getting in trouble for showing out and just trying to fit in. Junior High and High School was the start of his struggles, skipping school, dropping out and hanging out with the wrong people...he was and still is very influenced by the wrong group....he became the wrong group, but the one thing he never quit being was the huggy touchy feely son that I adored so much. He was a child I wanted nothing more than protect and love, guide him, teach him and show him the great things that are here for him. He promised, he swore, he guaranteed he had never and would not ever get involved with drinking, drugs and all other stuff that goes with that. I believed, I trusted, I truly believe my precious son would NEVER lie to me. I was blinded by my deep love for him..he was completely lying and yet I continued to defend him for years though he was steeling right before my eyes, screaming at me, being hateful to the family and making out lives more miserable than I could have ever imagined he would or could. He was slowly ripping my heart piece by piece, me still believing in him wanting nothing more than to trust what he was telling me.."Mom I am not doing any of those things".

Three years after this boy that I adored, 3 years after all the heart ache, 3 years after begging him and being so lost as to why he wanted this in his life, 3 years after spending nights looking for him, 3 years after spending months wondering if he was dead or alive, 3 years of crying, being stressed daily and being lost by my own thoughts said I cannot do this anymore. I realized I could not control him, he was now grown. I knew I could not continue to feel the pain I had from the loss of the little boy that wanted to be a cowboy and entertain people. Who or what had stolen my son..how could I get him back....Jesus Christ..I finally had realized I could not change him but I also knew I could not continue to be in such heart ache..I could not do this alone anymore.

I was in my car driving and just starting praying out loud, crying, begging God to take this from me..I would give it to Him fully and completely...in an instant my pain was gone, the loss of my little boy was gone, I wasn't worried if he was ok..I was so at Peace, God had taken this from me just as He had promised..never giving us more than we can handle. There was no doubt I still loved my son, but I knew God had put it in the bottom of my heart, to keep me from feeling the heartache. I was in aw, I was at peace, I could finally breath with ease knowing that God was in control..He would watch over my son, I knew he would take care of him.

Now nine year later since this all began, two relationships, 4 children..jobs consist of fast food, works sometimes, doesn't most times. He is a wonderful father, still that huggy touchy feeling personality that has always been there. He is an addict, he always will be...but how can he get off them for months and even more than a year and then go back. How can he take the chance of loosing his children, why does it not matter that he could loose everything? God is still protecting me from the emotions that this child can bring into my life..I am so Thankful. I have worked so hard to plant the seed in this boy, I have done everything I can think of to make his life easier so that he can work harder to get it together.

Recently after a year and half of being big, healthy, kind, working and moving forward, the ground as fallen out from under him again..

WHY? My frustration is high, I am extremely angry

that once again he has chosen this for his life..he is responsible for his actions, he is a grown man, a father to children that adore him. In the past I move on knowing that God is still in control, God will take care of him and comfort me. As time goes by Bear will get it together and then I will hear from him..it could be months later, or even years later..I love him, I believe his change. I just don't know how to do it again.

I know God is still in control and I know I don't have to re ask for Him to take it for me, He knows what I need. Am I wrong to feel and say this is the last time, I have to wash my hands of him, I don't want to ever let him back in my life. These are the things I want..am I wrong as a parent, that you should stand beside your child no matter what and be there for them when ever they want?

I don't want to be here anymore for him..I have 3 other children that need me, it tares them apart when this happens. Is it fair for me to allow what he does to them for my own gratification?

Today my hope is for my family to grow stronger and to except the things we cannot change. My son has given me many gifts, I am so much wiser, I question things like never before, I am slow to trust, I read between the lines, lock my house and car doors and always put everything up and watch every move he makes while in my home....for me, this all sucks!

I love my son, I am thankful Our Heavenly Father has protected us both

I hope the very best for my son and his family

I hope someday(before it is too late) he will allow God to control his addictions

I hope my little grandchildren continue to see their dad for his humor & heart

I hope someday my son can be a productive member of our family with God in his heart

What does my son believe he has done with his life

In Amazement

Paige and I spent time shopping last week, an enjoyment we don't do that much anymore. We had gone to Old Navy, tons of things of clearence (woohoo) , so many cute clothes for little girls. The sales were so good I was buying things for next Christmas gifts, (weird, I don't live that far in the future).

Leaving the store with a couple of crammed bags, filled with excitement of all the money we had saved....even though the lady in the womens department was griping and pretty much making sure we knew that the store was closing in 10 minutes.

A few days later items had been tried on, determination of what would need to be returned for reasons of wrong sizes and you know your kid doesn't like it when they say (yeah I like it with their nose curled up).

At 7:30 last night Paige and I decided to drive into Rockwall, there were a few things we needed to grab. I had taken the bag of unwanteds to return to Old Navy. We got in our line..in surprise any more, the cashier was the nicest lady young lady. I explained I wanted to return the items..no problem, the funds were put back on the bank card and we were ready to head out. Then the cashier said, would you like to buy the stuff back...We we like "HUH", she said that this was the last day to take an additional 50% off clearence items..we were like "WOW"....I thanked her and said that we really didnt need the items. Paige commented that she wished that we had brought everything back and then could have rebought it....the cashier spoke up and said "I can run your receipt and reprice everything" we were like wow, cool!..At the end of the receipt repricing..$73.00 "What the heck!" I have never seen such a thing.....How impressed we were..we just kept saying "thank you, amazing, your the greatest, we really appreciate it"...all this 30 minutes before the store closed on the final day of the sale. The walk to the car is not even memorable because of our amazement.

We were so impressed with this young lady, she never had to tell us that, she never had to offer us that......her honesty, her kindness and her ability to put more money in our pockets was amazing............,

Though I am not a big fan of shopping and even a less fan of taking things back...usually I will just donate it or sale it at the next garage sale as to not have to go through the hassle of finding the receipt, explaining why we dont want it and just waiting through the lines is enough to make me never go back.

Paige and I have a little more money in out pockets this morning, are amazed by what we were given by an Old Navy cashier, wittnessing a young lady being all she can be as an employee......I wish all stores had such great employees..Thank you Jamie.

Being a NONjudgemental Christian

Before I even start, I will say I am a terrible writer. I dont really know where all the punctuation goes, when a sentence ends or another begins. I write as I talk and everyone knows I talk with no correct english. I read other blogs and love the awesome writings I read always coming away either crying or laughing. Wish I could give you the same thing..but I am a rambler with things in my heart.

What can I say...or how should I start? I LOVE these guys!! I rest easier on my pillow tonight... No not because I believe I will wake up tomorrow and this Countries hardships have magically disappeared, not even because I believe that a year or two from now this Country will be out of the crisis we are in..I am realistic! I am not looking at the history this has made (though I think it is wonderful!) I am looking at a man, my age, that "IF" he is lying about himself , his family or his hopes and dreams for our Country has to be the greatest actor ever! Last year as all the campaigning was taking place, for the first time in my adult life (though I had voted before) I listened, I researched, I had debates of my own, some even arguing with myself. There is no way in the world that a person can be happy with every single thing a candid stands for, if they say they can, well they need to check their thoughts again. When I had made my mind up on who I would vote for, be it Obama or McCain (since Hillary was no longer a choice.. :)) I talked about it with my husband, how I felt about different issues and what his opinion was of how I saw them. I have always saw myself as a conservative Republican, but as I thought back, I have never voted for a Republican..funny huh. My husband told me he saw me much more liberal, I was surprised by that. As I thought about his comment, for just a moment...I realized truly who I was, neither..I said to my husband, I do believe I am conservative, the ethics and values I carry say it must be so........I am not liberal, I am a NON Judgemental Christian! I do not necessarily agree with how people choose to live their lives or agree with the things they do...but that is not my job. Every single one of us will stand before our creator Our Heavenly Father and will have to answer for our lives....no where in the Bible does it say I or any one else has the right to judge anyone. It is our job as Christians to plant the seed, not to judge....my belief, my personal relationship with Jesus Christ plants my feet solid to the ground to walk this earth without judgement. Our job as a Christian is to continue to be a Christian....its funny that people say they are Christians and then the first thing they do is turn around bad mouth people.

I personally am not much of a church goer I must admit...several years back I had a pastor come to my home just to sit and chat. As we conversated, he asked why I had never been a member of a church and why I really didn't come to church much. I explained to him that I really didn't deal well with people that were fake, people that went to church just so could say they did and people that went to church out of habit..hypocrites, judgement. On that Sunday at church his sermon was on that subject...I thought about it and realized maybe I was being that way for saying those things..those are really the people most wanted in the house of God, to help them see Gods true words, plant the seed. That is when I became a NON judgement Christian..we will all answer for our own.

It seems that my blog has gone a little different direction, starting with our new President and now talking about church. I believe it has everything as the same direction. I have read, I have heard, I have seen people write terrible things, say terrible things...and I mean terrible about the man that was voted in as the new President of Our United States. It saddens me to see people relate this man to Saddam, it saddens me that there is pictures of him as the devil, Antichrist, it saddens me that people are bashing his wife and family. I wish some people would take the time to do some research on him..lots of people were against him because they say he supports abortion...research...that is not what he has said....he states he believes a women has the right to make a choice....whether we like it or not, this is true. The women that choose this will stand before God someday to answer for this. Gay relationship/marriages...as Christians we know what the Bibles says...but there are many many gay people that believe differently, they consider themselves Christians and that is what matters..again they will stand before and answer for their choices. As Christians we believe we know what the Bible says about gay relationships and in a quick heartbeat these people are judged....but wait..doesn't the Bible state not to judge? Those who have not sinned cast the first stones.

Our Country is about Freedom, Freedom that our ancestors fought for us to have. It seems that Freedom is put in place in each individuals own mind, if it works good for them then that is what Freedom is. Well, it really doesn't work that way! There has been much Freedom taken from us in the last years by the Government, now it is being offered back to us. I ask everybody that reads this, maybe nobody will and that is ok because I have spoke my peace, I have stood up for my beliefs whether anyone agrees or not. I am at peace for choosing to be a NONjudgemental CHristian...I am at peace for voting for Barack Obama & Joe Biden to be the leaders of my Country.....................if in the end I am wrong (which I do not believe) I will be the first one to stand up and admit that my choice on voting day was not a good one, but I will NEVER sway from being a NONjudgemental CHristian.

One of the main reasons I believe on voting day that Barack Obama was the right man to vote for (and still do), he brings diversity, he brings hope, he is just the beginning of Gods plan..all people brought together regardless of race, sex or religion.........all things happen by God....God appointed the American people to vote for Barack Obama, be the people he intends for us to be. All things are in Gods control and all things happen by God. Give our new President a chance.....he has the most contagious smile, the love for his family is evident..he didn't choose his name (neither did we) he didn't choose his parents (neither did we) please don't minimize a man for his name, his birth, his parents.....we are only cutting short something that could be the greatest thing that has ever happened in Our Country.

I am thrilled and look so forward to turning on my TV and reading the paper each day to see what the agenda is today for our Country. He cant fix it alone and he cant make it worse alone..lets stand behind the President of Our United States and help the Hopes, Dreams and Changes become real.

I'm asking you believe not in my ability to bring about real change in Washington..I am asking you to believe in yours.........author:Barack Obama