Children sometimes Change

This morning I was passed on a survey regarding your first born, the thoughts that start going through your head are enormous.....When I was asked to put the age the child is today..I wrote almost 27...wow, 27..I am only 45, these kids need to quit getting older because they are taking me with them :) .

Truthfully, I thought what had he done with his life thus far..

So many years have passed it is hard to think back and remember all that we would like to and can't forget the things we wish we could. An adorable baby boy, sweet, perfect and was not that baby that caused sleep deprivation. As he became older, the funniest little sole, huggy touchy feely, it was always guaranteed the many hugs, kisses and the love yous that would be received daily... cowboy boots, shorts with an umbrella was his daily attire. With his sister in tow, swimming, running, putting on plays, singing and just completely full of life. Bear was and still is very talented, very artistic and an imagination that is unstoppable. School was a stumbling block, dyslexia, learning disability, failing and having to redo 5th grade, getting in trouble for showing out and just trying to fit in. Junior High and High School was the start of his struggles, skipping school, dropping out and hanging out with the wrong people...he was and still is very influenced by the wrong group....he became the wrong group, but the one thing he never quit being was the huggy touchy feely son that I adored so much. He was a child I wanted nothing more than protect and love, guide him, teach him and show him the great things that are here for him. He promised, he swore, he guaranteed he had never and would not ever get involved with drinking, drugs and all other stuff that goes with that. I believed, I trusted, I truly believe my precious son would NEVER lie to me. I was blinded by my deep love for him..he was completely lying and yet I continued to defend him for years though he was steeling right before my eyes, screaming at me, being hateful to the family and making out lives more miserable than I could have ever imagined he would or could. He was slowly ripping my heart piece by piece, me still believing in him wanting nothing more than to trust what he was telling me.."Mom I am not doing any of those things".

Three years after this boy that I adored, 3 years after all the heart ache, 3 years after begging him and being so lost as to why he wanted this in his life, 3 years after spending nights looking for him, 3 years after spending months wondering if he was dead or alive, 3 years of crying, being stressed daily and being lost by my own thoughts said I cannot do this anymore. I realized I could not control him, he was now grown. I knew I could not continue to feel the pain I had from the loss of the little boy that wanted to be a cowboy and entertain people. Who or what had stolen my son..how could I get him back....Jesus Christ..I finally had realized I could not change him but I also knew I could not continue to be in such heart ache..I could not do this alone anymore.

I was in my car driving and just starting praying out loud, crying, begging God to take this from me..I would give it to Him fully and completely...in an instant my pain was gone, the loss of my little boy was gone, I wasn't worried if he was ok..I was so at Peace, God had taken this from me just as He had promised..never giving us more than we can handle. There was no doubt I still loved my son, but I knew God had put it in the bottom of my heart, to keep me from feeling the heartache. I was in aw, I was at peace, I could finally breath with ease knowing that God was in control..He would watch over my son, I knew he would take care of him.

Now nine year later since this all began, two relationships, 4 children..jobs consist of fast food, works sometimes, doesn't most times. He is a wonderful father, still that huggy touchy feeling personality that has always been there. He is an addict, he always will be...but how can he get off them for months and even more than a year and then go back. How can he take the chance of loosing his children, why does it not matter that he could loose everything? God is still protecting me from the emotions that this child can bring into my life..I am so Thankful. I have worked so hard to plant the seed in this boy, I have done everything I can think of to make his life easier so that he can work harder to get it together.

Recently after a year and half of being big, healthy, kind, working and moving forward, the ground as fallen out from under him again..

WHY? My frustration is high, I am extremely angry

that once again he has chosen this for his life..he is responsible for his actions, he is a grown man, a father to children that adore him. In the past I move on knowing that God is still in control, God will take care of him and comfort me. As time goes by Bear will get it together and then I will hear from him..it could be months later, or even years later..I love him, I believe his change. I just don't know how to do it again.

I know God is still in control and I know I don't have to re ask for Him to take it for me, He knows what I need. Am I wrong to feel and say this is the last time, I have to wash my hands of him, I don't want to ever let him back in my life. These are the things I want..am I wrong as a parent, that you should stand beside your child no matter what and be there for them when ever they want?

I don't want to be here anymore for him..I have 3 other children that need me, it tares them apart when this happens. Is it fair for me to allow what he does to them for my own gratification?

Today my hope is for my family to grow stronger and to except the things we cannot change. My son has given me many gifts, I am so much wiser, I question things like never before, I am slow to trust, I read between the lines, lock my house and car doors and always put everything up and watch every move he makes while in my home....for me, this all sucks!

I love my son, I am thankful Our Heavenly Father has protected us both

I hope the very best for my son and his family

I hope someday(before it is too late) he will allow God to control his addictions

I hope my little grandchildren continue to see their dad for his humor & heart

I hope someday my son can be a productive member of our family with God in his heart

What does my son believe he has done with his life